A FORMULA FOR FOREPLAY
What goes into making great foreplay is different for everyone, but here are a three steps you may want to incorporate into tonight's routine to help you get in the mood:
- Start by kissing slowly for 5 minutes.
- Don't be shy, try stimulating "erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck -- all have nerve endings."
- Turn yourself on first. As quoted on WebMD, Madeleine Castellanos, MD says "Masturbation actually increases desire in women. It makes them more responsive to their partner during sexual activity, and can up the odds of achieving orgasm during intercourse."
PLAN A PLAY DATE
Scheduling sex may seem counter-intuitive to getting you in the mood. But as Dan Pollets in Psychology Today writes, "arranging dates where both of you show up for each other might make more sense than trusting that somehow you are both going to magically appear all naked and primed for the experience." Get out your calendars and pencil in a date and time, even if it's the middle of the night.
FOCUS ON YOUR PARTNER
If being naked with your partner feels like there's a spotlight shining on the parts of your body that you're most insecure about, shift the focus. When you start feeling insecure think about your partner instead. "What about his or her body arouses you?"
CONCENTRATE ON THE HERE AND NOW
A study of college students at Brown University measured the effects of a mindful meditation course on the amount of time it takes to "register feelings of sexual arousal." Dr. Elizabeth Kavaler as quoted on livescience.com notes that "The best part of this study is that it validates that the biggest part of sexuality in women is emotional and mental," Kavaler said. "The vagina is like the least important part of a woman's sexuality."
The most important way to get in the mood is to be present. According to Dan Pollets in Psychology Today you need to "show up in the moment of sexual encounter with all your senses. It is not about thinking. Allow your awareness to rest in the sensations that you and your partner create…If you become aware that you are drifting into thought, bring your awareness back to the moment and don't judge yourself for having drifted."
STILL NOT FEELING FRISKY?
Most importantly, don't beat yourself up about it. After a long week, there's nothing wrong with just wanting to sit by the fire with a glass of wine and your favorite movie. If your partner wants to cuddle next to you on the couch, even better. Who knows, maybe with the pressure off, you'll find yourself getting warmed by more than the fire.